


La Douleur Exquise

by queerwatson



Series: The Lexical Gaps of the English Language [6]
Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-21
Updated: 2012-02-21
Packaged: 2017-10-31 12:51:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/344241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queerwatson/pseuds/queerwatson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first step in his return is contacting Mycroft. He went back to Baker Street, and it was clear that John wasn’t there, and he was feeling impatient, so he decides that he’ll get help and get telling Mycroft out of the way - he’d never hear the end of it if he didn’t, even if he is certain that Mycroft will have already figured it out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	La Douleur Exquise

**Author's Note:**

> As I promised, this one isn't from John's point of view... It's from Sherlock's! Extreme angst ahead, though. You have been warned. This fic is partially inspired by Amanda Palmer's song Another Year.

The first step in his return is contacting Mycroft. He went back to Baker Street, and it was clear that John wasn’t there, and he was feeling impatient, so he decides that he’ll get help and get telling Mycroft out of the way - he’d never hear the end of it if he didn’t, even if he is certain that Mycroft will have already figured it out.

“So glad to hear from you again, brother. You’ve decided to return to your doctor?”

“That’s the idea.”

“You should know, he’s been seeing someone else.”

There’s a twisting in the center of his chest, but he ignores it, because caring is not an advantage, and he scoffs, rolling his eyes though no one can see him. “Well I _have_ been gone for two years, of course he has.”

“Are you planning to explain why you had to pretend to be dead?”

“To him, yes. You already know, don’t be dull. Tell me where he is.”

Mycroft does, and it takes moments for Sherlock to get a cab and go to the graveyard - apparently John and his... _girlfriend_ go there once a week. He wonders if it’s not good to spring this on John while he’s visiting Sherlock’s grave, but he can’t ask John - hasn’t been able to ask John anything for two years, and it’s been terrible, because no one was coming into his hotel room to pass him his phone or a pen, no one was reminding him to eat, and it was more difficult than he thought to go back to not having his own blogger.

He gets to where he can see his own grave and can see at once from how close they are to one another, the fact that the watch John is wearing that is clearly a gift, his girlfriend’s necklace that is the same, they’re well-cared-for, that the two of them have been together for at least a year. That’s the longest relationship John’s been in since he’s known him, and they both look... happy. Happy and standing in front of his grave.

He’s repeating himself now, why is he doing that? He feels a sharp pain somewhere in the center of his torso - his emotional pain - is it emotional pain? - seems to manifesting itself as physical pain, what a strange sensation. It’s really quite unpleasant. His throat sort of closes up, and he finds himself turning and walking away from the graveyard as quickly as his feet can carry him before he’s even made the conscious decision to do so, and the entire situation was not handled logically at all, why has he suddenly lost control of most of his motor systems? Once to the road, he seems to regain control of himself, and he calls a taxi. Quickly, quickly, mustn’t let John see him, God, why does it hurt so much? No one told him it could hurt so much. It didn’t hurt this much even when he thought Irene was dead, but that was entirely different sort of feeling, wasn’t it?

With John, he’s never had to think he couldn’t have John, he’s only thought he would have to wait. He was perfectly willing to wait, just this once. John has always been _his_ ; his colleague, his blogger, his friend, his partner in crime, his heart.

Now John clearly isn’t his anymore - he belongs to someone else. They belong to each other, and they were just so happy. John didn’t seem that happy most of the time when he was with Sherlock - he spent at least half of that time being annoyed and disappointed and upset because Sherlock doesn’t know how to be courteous, and besides, what’s the point? Caring isn’t an advantage, he knew that, but John never liked that, and he tried so hard for John, but John couldn’t wait forever, he should have known. John is a good man - a _great_ man. Why did Sherlock expect to come back and find him waiting?

_Because he always did before._

Finally, finally, a cab pulls up and he takes it, pulling out his phone as he gets in.

“He was there. I was not incorrect. In fact, he’s still there. Did he tell you to leave again?”

Sherlock can feel his own jaw clench - he doesn’t like this loss of control, it was never like this before, but John had never really hurt him before - is that was happening? Had John hurt him? He didn’t mean to - apparently he had, though. Sherlock was in pain, and John was the only possible culprit.

_You hurt him more._

“I didn’t speak with him. There’s still work to be done - it was safe to come home, but I should finish what I’ve started. It should only take another year or so, he’ll be just fine on his own.”

“Sherlock,” Mycroft sighed.

“Yes, brother, I know. Do shut up. One year.”

He hangs up, puts his phone back in his pocket, and curls in on himself, just a little. He knows what this is - this is the feeling of actually desperately wanting someone, needing someone, and knowing he can’t have them. The french had the best phrase for it - la douleur exquise. It was, literally, a pain, but he could not possibly know who had decided it was exquisite.

**Author's Note:**

> The good news? Part seven is tomorrow guys! The dark ages of no happiness end here! And by all of that, I mean a year passes in between this fic and tomorrow's and Sherlock will come back! Yay!


End file.
